CLEVERer 11
SAM GRITTNER’S OFFICIAL GUIDE: HOW TO BE A BADASS FOR KIDS AGES 4-18 Listen up kids ages 4-18: I’m not here to bullshit you like your parents, teachers, or local washroom attendants. I’m here today to give you the definitive guide on how to be a badass. When I was your age I was afraid of everything and no one ever really took the time to tell me how I could get respect, ladies, money, and arrest warrants. Below is a list of actions YOU CAN TAKE TODAY. The more you take the more badassier you become. DISCLAIMER: Eat shit parents, you’re obviously being huge pussies if you can’t take THE TRUTH. Try to sees me in court and you’ll wake up completely naked and duct taped to the State of Utah, drugged up on thorazine. Steal a car Start opening two-liter bottles with your eye Perform open heart surgery while drunk Setup an intricate tax evasion/money-making scheme involving a Lemonade Stand and any Class-C Narcotic Have a pet tiger Have like, eight cell phones Handcuff a Scoutmaster to a tree Freebase in the Teacher’s Lounge Fight anyone that works at an Aviary named Pete Get AIDS Kill your pet tiger then immediately buy/steal another one Somehow train an army of bees to be at your command Sign with a major record label no later than age ten Grow a beard made out of money Whisper dreams that will never, ever come true to a Police Horse Always wear bulletproof vests (sometimes ONLY wear bulletproof vests) Join  Start a Gang Set an Ice Cream Factory on fire then wait and watch it slowly burn from forty yards away while watching with an understated smirk, listening to the approaching sirens, like in the movies Own so many kimono dragons you can’t keep their names right Be the first kid to sell Angel Dust to the janitors at your elementary school Grow pot made out of money Carve shit into any wooden substance EARLY AND OFTEN Feed your new tiger only cocaine and frozen yogurt Become a regular at your local Gentleman’s Club. Get to know the bouncers Don’t smoke but always be putting out cigarettes on your wrists Treat women with respect and courtesy

SAM GRITTNER’S OFFICIAL GUIDE: HOW TO BE A BADASS FOR KIDS AGES 4-18

Listen up kids ages 4-18: I’m not here to bullshit you like your parents, teachers, or local washroom attendants. I’m here today to give you the definitive guide on how to be a badass. When I was your age I was afraid of everything and no one ever really took the time to tell me how I could get respect, ladies, money, and arrest warrants. Below is a list of actions YOU CAN TAKE TODAY. The more you take the more badassier you become.

DISCLAIMER: Eat shit parents, you’re obviously being huge pussies if you can’t take THE TRUTH. Try to sees me in court and you’ll wake up completely naked and duct taped to the State of Utah, drugged up on thorazine.

  • Steal a car
  • Start opening two-liter bottles with your eye
  • Perform open heart surgery while drunk
  • Setup an intricate tax evasion/money-making scheme involving a Lemonade Stand and any Class-C Narcotic
  • Have a pet tiger
  • Have like, eight cell phones
  • Handcuff a Scoutmaster to a tree
  • Freebase in the Teacher’s Lounge
  • Fight anyone that works at an Aviary named Pete
  • Get AIDS
  • Kill your pet tiger then immediately buy/steal another one
  • Somehow train an army of bees to be at your command
  • Sign with a major record label no later than age ten
  • Grow a beard made out of money
  • Whisper dreams that will never, ever come true to a Police Horse
  • Always wear bulletproof vests (sometimes ONLY wear bulletproof vests)
  • Join  Start a Gang
  • Set an Ice Cream Factory on fire then wait and watch it slowly burn from forty yards away while watching with an understated smirk, listening to the approaching sirens, like in the movies
  • Own so many kimono dragons you can’t keep their names right
  • Be the first kid to sell Angel Dust to the janitors at your elementary school
  • Grow pot made out of money
  • Carve shit into any wooden substance EARLY AND OFTEN
  • Feed your new tiger only cocaine and frozen yogurt
  • Become a regular at your local Gentleman’s Club. Get to know the bouncers
  • Don’t smoke but always be putting out cigarettes on your wrists
  • Treat women with respect and courtesy

21 November 2011 ·

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MISSION STATEMENT:

'CLEVERer' was started in the spring of 2009 with the stated goal of reinstating Class and Substance back into the Internet. For far too long sleaze, gossip, muckety-muck, and herkity-jerkity have clogged this once-glistening Series of Tubes. CLEVERer aims to be digital liquid plumber. Whether it's debunking urban myths, hilarious stories from 'Skull & Bone' initiations gone horrifically wrong, or our extremely popular 'How to Hotwire a Station Wagon!' Section, we dare you to find a better resource for anything pretty much. So, take a look around, make yourself at home. And please, help yourself to some moonpies. That's what they're there for. Editor-N-Chief, Sam Grittner Feel free to send e-mails to: samgrittner(at)gmail.com (I'm looking at you Nigerian Princesses and Boner Scams!!!) Web Statistics

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