Remember. Evil is real.
Remember. Evil is real.
Dear @Twitter,
What the fuck? What the fuck are you doing to me? Seriously? You think if you slip out the window for just a moment, I won’t notice?? You think I’m too busy polishing my numerous civic awards or brushing up on some Algerian before I take my Gold-dipped Helicopter back to Montana to teach blind albino’s about land mass? You think that’s the life I lead?? Do you? Well guess what asshole: I have no life… THAT’S WHY I’M WITH YOU TO BEGIN WITH!!!!
You think you can just shutdown for thirty minutes of my life that I will NEVER GET BACK? Thirty precious minutes that I could’ve wasted writing clever puns about angeldust and silver-backed orangatangs (that last word isn’t spelled wrong, that’s just how I spellz it.) or Hitler and carrot juice… now, those things will never become a reality (…until later).
You’re killing me Twitter. Literally (not really). You’re killing me. On the inside. And the outside. Especially, my fingers. They hurt so much from writing paragraphs and shit. Goddamn I miss you.
Confession time: I spent some time with Facebook, I’m sorry, I really am. But I promise I still haven’t seen that whore MySpace again. She leaves glitter all over me and won’t stop talking about Canadian Death Metal Bands. I can’t stand her.
Please. Come back to me my love.
Sincerely,
@SamGrittner
#PS. WTF is with this picture? Am I the ice cream cone? With a caterpillar??? Because talking food and bugs hang out ALL THE TIME… Also, If I AM the ice cream cone it’s not “cool” and I can’t “chill” at all let alone thirty minutes because in thirty minutes I will BE DEAD because I will HAVE MELTED TO DEATH.
I didn’t know Facebook advertisements could answer each other, let alone in the SCARIEST WAY POSSIBLE.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
(via beneathmybones)
The Brian Jonestown Massacre: STRAIGHT UP AND DOWN
P.S.A. #23: Anal Tobacco Consumption
“Drive and reach the Econo Lodge hotel to WIN!!!” No…. no one wins at an Econo Lodge. Ever.
Dear Stumbleupon,
You know what’s creepy? Well how about three simple things:
1. Getting an e-mail from a website thanking me for giving feedback I never gave.
2. Ending the e-mail by saying you look forward to more of my non-existent feedback.
3. Dogs with three eyeballs. That wasn’t included in this e-mail but it’s still pretty creepy nonetheless.
Sincerely,
-srplg