Woke up today and my brain said: “BUY A TICKET TO L.A. ALSO DOGS DOGS DOGS (etc.)” I’ve been talking about it for years but haven’t had the money or felt ready to perform in front of the west coast (I think I can get up at some pretty amazing shows but don’t want to unless I’m going to ace them). Then, I did what I’ve been doing all week: Trusting my instincts. No sooner do I post that I’m coming out L.A., ‘Funny or Die’ gives me a #FF and invited me to their offices. I’m sure it’s just so they can see how tall I am in real life or maybe to be Will Ferrell’s slave for a day. THIS IS EXCITING. I hope these posts don’t come off as me bragging by the way. I’ve been doing comedy since I was seventeen so I just feel like my hard work is truly paying off and I want to share it because I’m proud. Sorry if it’s gross. I should mention that all this Twitter stuff is so fun and exciting but the highlight was performing live. I forgot how much I need to do it. BACK TO WORK! HI5 a monkey or 86!

EVERYTHING IS THE WORST/EVERYTHING IS THE BEST

Hey gadgets and gidgets! I know you didn’t ask how I’m doing and I don’t blame you, I look very intense when I’m whittling new figurines for the big Ozark show but I’ll take a break for a moment and share some things with you: I almost died last week? At least the flu that I had made me feel that way. Most of last week I looked like Tom Hanks in ‘Philadelphia’, except on death’s door and REALLY AID-sy. I threw up like a model trying to prove something for three days straight, I lost four pounds (that’s 1/3 of my overall mass, people), and I thought about throwing myself into a pit of fire MULTIPLE TIMES. Oh did I mention the heat was out at my apartment too? (TWOFER!) I went into work last week and almost collapsed. Somehow I had to work brunch on Saturday and Sunday, then live-tweet the Golden Globes (for my other day job at Holllywood.com) on Sunday as well. Oh and there’s a band that lives in my basement. A shitty band. The worst actually. I’m going to find out their name and then share it so you never let your ears come close to such a bad thing. I’m on the 3rd floor of an apt building and their shitty wanna-be PINK FLOYD sonic masturbation exercises kept me up until 3:30AM because HEY IT’S NYC! and WE’RE DICKS!!! (*since talked to landlord, they is SHUT DOWN!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!*) I managed to make it through the entire weekend somehow (I threw up blood a lot, A LOT for someone who stopped eating blood three weeks ago!) and then…. Rob Delaney RT’d me and picked my tweet as the best joke of the day, which made my month. Then Rainn Wilson (who doesn’t follow me) somehow ended up RT’ing me last night from a joke that I loved but almost deleted. Then I found out today that a tweet I wrote at 2am last night made it on CNN.com today! WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh and I had a bunch of amazing people help me break 25,000 followers on Twitter. I’m thirty years old and I’ve never been more excited about my life. I have surrounded myself with nice, successful people and all I try and do every day is learn from them and emulate them. Thank you for supporting me. I will never forget it. Life is worth sticking out. I was suicidal five years ago and now I’ve never been more excited about life. That’s the whole point of this post, actually. Shit gets better. I promise. I love you, stranger that feels alone and shitty. You are neither. Let’s laugh until the pain goes away then laugh some more.

KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BABY MONOLOGUE JOKES (written by Sam Grittner):
Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy test didn’t read positive or negative it just said “$” (ch-chaing).
Congratulations on the babye!
I know I’m part of the problem but can we just go ahead now and wire the media’s jaw shut for the next nine months? THAT would be ‘Amazing’.
Weird fact: The Kimye baby already weighs 808oz and has a beard.
I know rappers are close but hopefully Jay-Z didn’t make a guest appearance in Kim.
It’s like that old nursery rhyme: First comes fame, then other black dudes, then getting knocked up, and never working a day in your life.
Kanye West, trying to baby proof his life, has already had suicide doors put on four custom-made Maserati Minivans. 
There’s a new Kanye/Jay-Z collab dropping soon; be on the lookout for ‘BABYSITTERS IN PARIS’

KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BABY MONOLOGUE JOKES (written by Sam Grittner):

Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy test didn’t read positive or negative it just said “$” (ch-chaing).

Congratulations on the babye!

I know I’m part of the problem but can we just go ahead now and wire the media’s jaw shut for the next nine months? THAT would be ‘Amazing’.

Weird fact: The Kimye baby already weighs 808oz and has a beard.

I know rappers are close but hopefully Jay-Z didn’t make a guest appearance in Kim.

It’s like that old nursery rhyme: First comes fame, then other black dudes, then getting knocked up, and never working a day in your life.

Kanye West, trying to baby proof his life, has already had suicide doors put on four custom-made Maserati Minivans. 

There’s a new Kanye/Jay-Z collab dropping soon; be on the lookout for ‘BABYSITTERS IN PARIS’